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Monday, November 26, 2007
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CHRIST-NO-MAS
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Ho Ho Holiday suckers! All of you who have eagerly awaited this most "festive" of seasons, the journey is over! Revel in merriment and booze laden rum cakes for it is the only time of year when it is socially acceptable to devour alcoholic desserts anywhere at any hour. But God forbid you chug a fifth of Captain Morgans in your kitchen with your morning coffee while reading Fred Bassett's latest side splitting head scratcher. A sick, depraved drunk you would be!! But inject a "cake" with half a bottle of the good juice and you're simply partaking in a little holiday joy! Kick it up while you can...and for God sakes, someone hide that woman's keys.
Like the flick of a light switch connected to some obscene million watt halogen, blinding us all with the unbearable glare of consumerism, the holiday season has been thrust upon us with the force and intensity of a skilled pimp's well honed bitch slap. It's lethal and powerful, while still possessing the efficiency and accuracy of a laser guided missile. "The Season" is no longer an event of anticipation, building to a grand crescendo as the summer fades and the fall season rolls out the red carpet for the grand trifecta of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. No sir, we are no longer afforded the luxury of foresight and anticipation...we are TOLD when the season is here. When you least expect it, the switch will be thrown and the marketing orgy ensues. The only true anticipation of this season resides in the corporate war rooms as 9 months of strategic plotting and scheming unfold in an orgasmic fury by men who are too old and blood thirsty to even think about orgasms.
Halloween marks the starting line for an explosion of commercialism so vast and profound it becomes the very essence and the meaning of the 21st century holiday season. No sooner have the children started sorting out the good candy from the shit (if you're the lame sap doling out the mini Tootsie Rolls...that would be you), ready to begin the forcible onset of prepubescent acne, have the holiday commercials begun revving their engines...fueled by the explosive combustion of the almighty dollar. This year we woke up from the High Fructose hangover to find our TV's plastered with commercials typically seen when we awake from the post Thankgiving meal nap. Surely someone in the video room must have been trigger happy...this must be a gross lapse in judgment, right? WRONG my friend. This one is as calculated and crafted as they come. It's 85 degrees outside these walls and the conniving bastards have blizzards and snowmen littering my screen. It's a crime against nature let alone humanity!
With the nation's economy spiraling into the shitter faster than most of you reading this now have any conceivable idea, Corporate America decided it was necessary to take drastic action. They decided to start "The Holiday Season" nearly a month early to kick start the economy, prematurely inducing spending. Like trying to force a fetus out of the womb at 5 months. The only way to get John and Jane American to spend their green is to force feed their spongy brains with the manipulative powers of marketing. Nothing in this world has the power to control the thought process of humans like television. Not even...dare I say...GOD. Strong statement, but prove me wrong. I'm a devout follower, but an equally staunch realist. A realist who shall provide a sensible example to what shall undoubtedly be perceived as a blasphemous claim. And that is...
BLACK FRIDAY
I'm not referring to the lunch special Popeye's Chicken holds each week, no sir, I am referring to the day where vast numbers of Americans act in a manner that is so senseless and insane that God Himself must look down upon us and shake His head in shame. He reminisces of the days when He garnered that much passion and respect. When people made tremendous sacrifices of their time, effort, and yes...even their money...for Him. But now, these lunatics waking up at 3am, standing in lines wrapping around city blocks for hours on end, fighting crowds of people with ferocity and lack of civility and respect. This is what the Material Nation has risen to. I await the year that Christmas inherits a sponsor. MERRY PROCTER & GAMBLE CHRISTMAS!! The Holiday season in which we claim to celebrate is lost. Granted, there has always been an element of commercialism for as long as their have been gifts to give, but it has now reached a new low where the gifts were once a small part of the big picture...and now the gifts ARE the picture.
I'm not going to go on the stereotypical Christmas Carol "God bless us everyone" holiday rant about how we need to love and appreciate each other because "that's what the season is really all about". No thanks, we'll all be bombarded with it soon enough in the coming month...no need to bastardize that before it naturally occurs. I'm simply a little peeved about Christmas being shoved down our throats so soon and so intensely. If I wanted to be ass raped by corporate America with a candy cane dildo, I would simply...well, I know a little place that would have given it to me for a few bucks and a 6-pack. But that's beside the point!!
The point is, we were once succumbing to the commercialization of the holiday season just as we were slowly on the brink of global warming. Unfortunately, this seems to be the year where both of them have shown the full brunt of their fury. It makes one wonder where exactly we are headed and how fast we're getting there not knowing where it is we're going. There is a distinct possibility that 20 years from now kids will be listening to Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" wondering what the hell this white stuff is that he is singing about. Lets just hope when they hear it, they know what Christmas is. |
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posted by Boyce
8:40 PM
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