I have noticed a startling trend over the past year or so that I'm sure most, if not all of you, have observed as well. Come to think of it, if you haven't taken notice you probably live life with your head staring straight down at the ground as you meander about your existence. And to that I say, kudos to you!! You're not missing much.

As I've made my position well known in previous blogs, technology has been a blessing and a curse as we travel at warp speed through the progression of our civilization. While it has brought us an infinite number of wonders and splendors (the remote control, the microwave, & hi-def porn just to name a few), there are the inevitable head scratchers that bring us great convenience, but at a cost that makes you wonder if it's truly worth it.

One of the most rapidly advancing technological marvels, in addition to being the highest in demand and usage, is the cell phone. A mere 15-20 years ago, mobile phones were behemoth contraptions that required a 50lb battery that was strapped to your back, a 4 foot antenna, and produced enough heat to warm the city of Anchorage for a few winter weeks. Sure you could lug them around to chat anywhere anytime, but at what cost? A hernia, slipped disk, radiation burns? Was it truly worth it? Johnny Slickster would say yes. But for John Q. Suburb...nada. Not to mention the hefty loan needed to purchase one.

Since then we've gone from a phone booth strapped to your waist, to mistaking the credit card in your pocket for your phone. Their sound quality dwarfs most cars on the street, they play videos, games, internet and email. They slice, dice, julienne, and leave immediately after sex...no strings attached. The power in one single phone these days would have allowed you to rule the world in 1953. Well, in Asia Minor at least.

So here we are, in the "holy fucking shit are you for real?" phase of telephone technology. Everywhere you go someone has one of these things glued to their face, yapping away with no regard to the environment in which they dwell. Walking through the mall, in line at the grocery store, mowing the lawn or eating in a restaurant (while chewing!). No place is sacred or safe from our inability go about our business without talking to someone somewhere about what is probably the most mundane bullshit imaginable. Talking for the sake of talking. I guarantee that encompasses over 70% of cell phone chatter...unnecessary bullshit. So with our insatiable "need" for constant chatter during every imaginable task and situation, holding this thing to the side of your head becomes an obvious burden. Cleaning the house, changing your oil, repairing the roof, juggling chainsaws on a tightrope, and the all time classic...driving.

So here we are America, faced with a conundrum that serves to create a conflict of necessity. A dilemma in which we must choose between our addiction to senseless banter or performing the everyday functions we need to live...safely at that. As you can see, any rational individual would be torn at the seams, laboring extensively over this decision. What is the answer? IS there an answer? There must be a solution that can appease both sides!! Its a no-win situation! For the love of God...Help!!

Well fear not ignorant imbeciles! The great technological eggheads of the world have come to your rescue! Your lives have not been destroyed as you were on the verge of conceding. The sky has not fallen and the end is no longer here. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the cellular messiah...BLUETOOTH.

No longer will you have to deal with wires to constrict your range of motion, your mobility is free and wide open. Nothing can hold you back my friend. For attached to the side of your head is a little gadget that picks up the signal from your phone and transmits it to the headset. It's a mother fucking miracle.

Not only has the convenience quotient shot through the roof with this little bad boy, but the greatest part of this gadget has yet to be revealed. You get to wear it on your ear ALL THE TIME!! That's right, there's no need to take it off! EVER! Not only is it effective, efficient, and convenient...it's STYLISH!! Be one of the growing number of citizens who strut their shit with a mini shoe horn glued to their ear!

Remember the days as a kid when you watched Star Trek and wondered, "Gee...I wonder if one day we'll have those nifty gadgets?!" Well wonder no more Jimmy! It's here, it's now, it's BLUETOOTH!! What's that? You're phone's ringing in your pocket? Leave it there, tap the ol' BLUETOOTH and chat away my friend!! It's that easy!!

OK here's what baffles the living shit out of me. Its one thing to be tied like a dog on a leash to your phone, lacking the restraint to stay off it for more than 10 minutes at any given time. But to wear a device on your ear ALL THE TIME to prepare yourself for the impending call that may or may not come in the foreseeable future...give me a break!! Do these people not realize that:

1. You look like a complete fucking idiot. If you use it when you're talking on the phone that's one thing. But when you're not using it, TAKE IT OFF!! Why the hell would anyone want an ugly piece of plastic attached to them if its not needed? Why not tie an electric toothbrush around your neck ya moron?

2. You are validating the fact that humans are inevitably becoming technology's little bitch. When technology attaches itself to our face when it's not being used, we've lost. Period.

3. If having a phone on standby to that extent is so critical to your existence, your existence should be questioned. Your mental capacity should be checked, and your control/abandonment issues should be dealt with professionally.

There you have it. Its been said, and I feel a hell of a lot better for having said it. I simply could not live another day watching this atrocious fad spread any further without telling America how ridiculous it is. If I have offended anyone in anyway, call me and we'll chat. If I'm not home, LEAVE A MESSAGE!