Today I was watching the USA vs. Italy World Cup match, and while I am not a dedicated soccer follower in the least, every 4 years I immerse myself in it as if I'd been watching it all my life. There's just something about one country playing another. Us vs. Them. Good Guys vs. Bad Guys. Balboa vs. Creed.

Love the sport or not, engaging in battles with foreign countries is just "our way". However fucked up that "way" may be. And I am drawn to the passion and focus the world places on this event. I'm a die hard sports freak, and a change of pace on the sporting front is always refreshing. Except for figure skating. That's just horse shit.

In the 7-8 games I've watched since the beginning of the tournament, I've made a consistent and oft proven observation regarding the playing style of European and South American countries. They're goddamn pussies. Every single one of them. How many times do I have to watch another one of these pansies drop to the ground grasping his shin...his knee...no wait, shin... (CONTINUITY PEDRO!! Commit to one injury!!) in horrific anguish, only to see him sprinting down the field 20 seconds later like a gazelle? (The same gazelle they eat) These bastards take more dives than Greg Louganis; and its no wonder Hollywood movies are such a hit throughout the world. These assholes can't act for shit! The flailing, the dramatic stumble to the unforgiving grass. Grabbing the one part of their leg that's actually padded (the SHIN). At LEAST have the common sense to grab your knee, or calf...NOT the padded shin, dumbass!

Perhaps playing ice hockey for 13 years has skewed my perception of pain as a result of physical contact. Of perhaps it's because most major American sports are played by men who can take a hit (except basketball...HE HIT MY HAND!). I've been watching the NHL playoffs for the past month. You wanna see a guy take a hit? There's no flopping, grimacing, whining and menstruating. These guys get banged up, knocked out, and slashed open only to get stitched up, jolted back to consciousness with smelling salts, and they're back on the ice not missing a shift. And football...need I say more?

While soccer is stealthily inching it's way into the American mainstream (30,000 miles away @ an inch a day), something must change for Americans to accept this foreign a sport. ("Infidels don't play that!") America will never accept a sport that is littered with the kind of over saturated soap opera drama soccer is infested with. It's not our style...it's not our bag. This is America, suck our balls.

Today I lost a bit of respect for a country I once had all the respect and adoration for. The wops made a fool of their country today. And as the rest of the civilized world follows suit with their Vagisil, injury-faking ways, I can't help but wonder if we truly ARE better than the rest of the world.

I've always accepted our country's status as a "Superpower" , but I've never been the "Fuck yeah, we're America!! Suck our fucking balls, world!! WE run the show, and if you don't like it...suck my bunker buster!!"

I'm as patriotic as they come, but unlike most Republicans in congress, I'm not blind, arrogant, and ignorant. I know our supremacy comes with a price. A price most of us never see and will never know. Clandestine operations, plans and scams. Our hands are just as dirty as the next shady regime. But our supremacy is ultimately rooted from, well...our supremacy.

So I say grow a pair Europe! France, you'll always be worthless cowards, so disregard this message. But for the rest of you douche bags, cut the pussy routine. And as for you South America...for the love of hell man, IT'S ALL YOU DO!! Your poverty stricken planets are never too depraved for a spherical object to kick around. So quit your flopping and diving. Shut the fuck up and play!!

This message has been approved by the North American Amateur Soccer Association. Drawing animosity through diversity.

kb
(c) 2006