There are 13 days left til Christmas, and I just NOW realized that Christmas was coming. At what point in life do things hit fast forward? I recall the days when Christmas NEVER seemed to come. Time dragged on and on...each day passing slower than the last. The anticipation of the imminent gift jackpot that awaited surged through your body like the sugary rush of Frosted Flakes in Hershey's Chocolate Milk running through your viens. And then snorting a line of crushed Smarties just for good measure.

Come on. We all did it, so don't act like you're reading the literary work of a desperate fiend. A hardcore "High Fructose Corn Syrup" junkie.

"Fuck you!! I can quit at any time!! Don't touch my Fruity Pebbles Asshole!! I'll kill ya....I swear to God I'll fucking kill ya!!!"

So no sooner are you baking in the hellacious heat of August...humidity 453% with a 60% chance of spontaneous human combustion. Everything you see outside looks like a bad acid trip as the heat waves from the scorching surface of the earth distort everything in view. Hot as BALLS people. And trust me, I have them...and they're hot!

Then suddenly....it's December. Without warning, Christmas songs are being sung on TV as corporations vie to be the 1st to brainwash the heads of the simple-minded consumer.

Everyone wants to be the next "Tickle Me Elmo". Well tickle my dick Mr. Corporation!! Remember the time when Christmas meant something? The time when it was about giving and helping others? The time when people were charitable and gifts were just the topping of the thick, moist cake of humanity?

OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!

Unless you're over 50 years old, the "Holidays" have been nothing more than an essential economic spike that keeps our currency and economy in check. Without it, we wouldn't spend nearly as much. Everyone would horde their cash, and the economy would creep to a standstill.

And so here we are...without warning. Like the woman in bed next to you the night after a voracious drinking binge. Who are you, where did you come from, and what did you do with my money? That is essentially "The Holidays" in a nutshell.

Halloween is a cavity and a filling past us. Thankgiving passed faster than the shit I took an hour after I ate. And here comes Christmas. Staring me down like a retard to a lollipop. How many licks does it take Mr. Kringle?

One.....two.....three.....(CRUNCH)......Three

3 Holidays down, 2006 to go.

Whatever you do, don't look back folks. Because if you turn your head for one instance...if you blink too long...it'll pass you. This rollercoaster they call life...we're hauling full speed ahead.

Hope you brought your vomit bag, because we're in for one hell of a ride!

Until next time I humbly remain...
Boyce

I was at an art festival with Kristen and Abbey this weekend...killing time on the most beautiful, crystal clear 73 degree day imaginable. So since winter is near (from what I hear) they had 3 hills set up in a vacant lot next to the festival. Of course since we live on land that is flatter than an 11-year-old Korean boy, they had to MAKE dirt hills. And some how...some way, they managed to make snow and fill 2 of the 3 hills with it for sledding. The fact that they managed to keep snow from melting in this furnace we call Florida is beyond me. Sure, 73 degrees is a chilly fall day to us; but to Northerners and the science of frozen water, 73 degrees is the pit of hell. Hotter than Bea Arthur. (Disregard that last sentence - I'd delete it, but I'm on a roll, and any loss of flow will result in a complete loss of any thought I now have).

So they have snow. Bad ass. Abbey is naturally excited, as she's never gone sledding before. She saw snow for the first time at the age of 8 last year in Pennsylvania. It came down, coated a few inches, and that was that. A few snowballs were thrown, the vile, nasty, reclaimed, evaporated-through-a-pollution-ridden-atmosphere snow hit our tongues repeatedly. Which is essentially eating raw sewage. Eating this "snow". I don't remember it having such a rancid taste as a kid.

So the snow...it didn't melt. And she climbed atop this 20-foot high dirt hill, covered in chipped ice. With inflatable circular raft in hand, she sat upon the hill and 2 of the elf-like assistants dressed in Christmas garb, propelled her down the hill. It was reminiscent of "A Christmas Story" when Santa laughed off little Ralphie's apparently ludicrous request for "an official Red Ryder, air carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle" and shoved him down the giant slide amidst evil laughing dwarfs and a shopping mall full of whacked out 1940's people. "Ho Ho Ho."

And what the hell is up with that kid in the WWII pilot mask as they're waiting in line?? "I like Santa." If you don't remember it, you'll know when you inevitably watch it this season. Because you know you can't escape it...no matter how hard you try. TED TURNER IS GOD!!!!!

Sorry. Had a moment there. What just happened?

This kid is creepy. Like the kid on the bus at the end of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". The freak that says, "Wanna Gummi Bear Mr. Rooney?" Staring blankly with a perverse desire for pedophile love. You know in 30 years this kid'll like little boys, live at home with Mom, and acquire a foot / shit-on-my-chest fetish.

My apologies for that horrid analogy folks. It's intense, but it happens. In neighborhoods just like yours, houses just like yours, basements just like yours.... hey, wait a minute, is this YOUR basement???

Oddly enough Mr. Rooney WAS a pedophile, adding an even more creepy twist to the end of that movie.

So she blazes down the ice covered hill! The mid-day sun has melted just enough of the top layer to create a rock hard icy surface. This was no ordinary sled ride in fresh powder snow. No my friends, this is "Florida Snow". They essentially took a giant Snoopy Snow Cone machine and, sadly without juice flavoring, they blow it onto the ground in large doses.

And as I watched her continue up and down this "faux hill", I began to realize the incredible difference it makes in one's life when they are raised up north as opposed to down south. As long as she lives here, she will never experience the beauty of snow. Sure, it sucks ass when you have to shovel it, freeze your ass off with blistering winds, and become trapped in your own home (or bar). But that's the beauty of it. One extreme to the other. 90 degree summers and 0 degree winters. But here...Hot As Balls, or "Little chilly today, eh?" Chilly indeed.

I'm watching the Eagles game and giant flakes of snow are pouring on the field. It's so serene and peaceful. It blankets the earth and makes black people white. Just kidding. I love black people (with snow).

Wait a minute, the game's on!!! It's the 2nd quarter!!! Son of a....!!!!

GOTTA GO!!!

And on a closing note: Gentlemen, next time you're taking a leak give this a try. Just as you start to...well, piss I guess...flush the toilet. Now aim your stream at the top of the hole at the bottom. Basically near the flow of water rushing down the drain. You'll notice that a single stream of "your" water added to the existing flow, alters the flush. It prolongs the rush of water going down the drain. Give it a try. With stream and without. Let me know your results.

Thanks,

Boyce